thoughts on trails and love, naturally

Hiking to Skakavac Waterfall yesterday - at 98 meters the tallest in Bosnia and the second tallest in Europe - I had this moment on the trek out of the forest when I really wanted to quit. The trail had been gradually inclining for a while, and the slow but steady elevation gain was taking a toll on me. The hike to the waterfall included a mile straight uphill on a mountain road, then two hours or two and a half to reach the waterfall itself. I'd hit that fatigued point when things - climbs - that were relatively easy a few hours ago felt overwhelmingly difficult. Ryan and Ana - my partners in crime and coworkers - were waiting 25 yards ahead of me. I called out to them to go ahead. I'd catch up after catching my breath and hydrating.

I stood in the center of the three-foot wide trail, trees lining my path, moss covered fallen logs in the woods to my right, and a jagged rock face to my left. The sun shone bright and hot above, but the wooded trail provided shade. Rays of sunshine caught on the leaves and limbs and danced on the earthen path. A slow breeze shuffled through the forest every few minutes. I took it all in, trying to mentally get back in the game, and I found myself thinking of Zander.

Two of my favorite memories with Zan are on trails. I half-laughed out loud as that thought occurred to me. His relationship with hiking is lukewarm, at best. But forests and mountains have played a central role in our story, the path (so to pun) of our relationship. The first of these memories is climbing Cotopaxi in Ecuador to the base camp. I spent all morning - and the night before - consumed with nervous anticipation. I couldn't wait for that challenge, the view, the experience, the photos, the story - but I was terrified of the altitude. And then we were there, drinking that pretty gross tasting tea that may or may not have been legal in our country, keeping our fingers crossed that local folklore of the tea's power to rapidly adjust the body to extreme altitudes was true. Believing in it all. And then after all that waiting and preparing, the bus stopped, and we hopped out, spotting the base camp high above us, and we started walking.

Within minutes most of our group had passed us, and my steps were only slowing. I felt like I couldn't breathe, and every step felt like running up a few dozen stairs, at least. Zan paused when I paused. He told me we could go back, but I so didn't want to. We had a goal. So he encouraged me. One step or two steps at a time was just fine. It started to snow, then really snow. In hindsight it's romantic, that image of us creeping six inches or a foot at a time through a snow storm on the tallest volcano in Ecuador. And that's how we walked - in slow motion - to the base camp. Zan got me there. And we made it up there together.

The other memory is our now legendary (to us) ridge hike in the Andes - on that same trip, just days after the volcano. Our guesthouse owner found the hike when we was 8 years old, and so we thought it would be a perfect hike to introduce us to the region. We turned left at the cows and right at the hollowed out tree and went straight into the field where sheep graze on the towering hillside pastures. We followed a hand-drawn map - one of which hangs in our living room now. That map said we'd come out onto a ridge, but we didn't expect the foot-wide, death-taunting-us-from-either-side ledge on which we actually found ourselves.

Zan was terrified, for good reason, and I was high on adrenaline. We talked about going back the way we came, but that felt just as precarious as going forward. I said let me go ahead, a few feet at a time, to test the path, to find sure footing, to figure out some safe points to rest. And Zan trusted me - despite his total and complete fear of heights, he said okay. When I called back with updates and encouragements, he trusted me and stepped where I stepped.

A half mile later, we nearly collapsed on a wide, flat plateau, the sheer cliffs quickly becoming a memory. The view blew us away, peaks for as far as the eye could see, the sky seemingly just beyond our fingertips. We made it across. And we did it together.

I can only hope our shared life is always like the memories of those hikes in Ecuador. There will be moments - big and small, some seemingly beatable and others that feel insurmountable - when one or both of us will feel as though we can't breathe or that we're stuck, unable to move forward and incapable of going back. I hope we allow ourselves time to breathe, unconcerned of who's passing us by, careless if we're the last to reach the next place. I hope we sink into those moments, giving ourselves a few moments of rest, time to take deep breaths deep enough to quiet the fear and calm the uncertainty. I hope that we're always there for each other, trusting and knowing that something stunning, something unexpectedly wonderful is ahead - that it's worth the fight to get to the other side. Together.

Standing on that trail near Skakavac, I finally started hiking again, taking it one or two steps at a time. 

yellow fortress + being at home living abroad

Smoke wafts out of the cevapi restaurant a block away. It streams across the narrow street before getting lost in the trees that frame the Bascarsija mosque. If I were just a few feet closer, I'd be able to smell the grilling sausages. Sitting at a cafe, enjoying the social culture around coffee and tea, I feel at ease. I'm slipping easily into living here. Living somewhere new, where the language eludes me, and the customs challenge and highlight my own - it's fulfilling to me. It's satisfying - immensely satisfying - to find my way around somewhere foreign, to spend twice as long as normal in a grocery store to figure out what's what and take in all the new and different culinary possibilities, to feel my heart beat faster with every new sight I see. It's like living abroad keeps my mind constantly engaged - it keeps me sharper, asks me to learn constantly. I'm never bored, and that's so much of the appeal for me. I'm always challenged. There's always something new to do and somewhere new to see. It makes me acutely aware of living in the moment each day. I feel more present when I live abroad, and that presence is intentional without having to work at it.

This time, living abroad feels easier than it did in Japan. The learning curve is flatter. Maybe it's that it's Europe, though Sarajevo feels like somewhere much further away. (And then again, what do I know about Europe?!) Maybe it's that there's some English, although my experience has been that English here is just slightly more common than it was in Japan. I think it's more likely about experience. I'm older now. I've done this before, and doing it again is like seeing a close friend after years apart. I'm picking up right where I left off.

I wandered up to the Yellow Fortress, an old fortification that once defended the town of of Vratnik, part of Sarajevo's Old Town now. The nickname comes from the slightly yellow color of the rocks used to construct it. It's one of the most popular viewing points in the city. It's so popular that there's even a small cafe up there. It was closed the day I hiked up, but I still shook my head and smiled - Bosnians can't live without coffee, even for a short hike. It's an especially crowded place during Ramadan. There's a canon fired at sunset every night to tell all the practicing Muslims that it's time to break the fast. I hear that people bring feasts and enjoy their picnics with the sun setting over the city. It's sounds pretty great to me.

The day I went, the Fortress wasn't crowded at all. There was a newly married couple taking wedding photos, and I watched in awe, thinking how priceless those images will be one day. I fell in love with this city a little bit more sitting up there, my feet dangling near the edge, snapping photo after photo and pledging that the next time I go, it'll be with a bottle of wine, a pen, and my journal.

bašcaršija and thoughts on my first week in sarajevo

In the short six days that I've been in Sarajevo, I've taken it slow. My body is still adjusting to the time zone difference. I'm exhausted during the day and wired at night. I don't remember being jet lagged for long in Japan. It's another of life's small reminders that 29 isn't at all like 24. I had a three-day weekend for Memorial Day, and a coworker suggested I catch a quick flight to Belgrade - one of his favorite cities in the Balkans. Twenty-four year old me jumped on the idea, sketching out a quick 3-day itinerary and pricing it all out. Twenty-nine year old me then turned to a blank page in my notebook and jotted out ideas and things to see and do for a long weekend right here in Sarajevo.

There's not nearly as much English here as I expected. I told my coworkers how surprised I was at that. Their response: "they're all fooling you. If they're under 40, they speak English." That's a little bit how this city is - vibrant and warm and chock full of character - but also an insider's club. There's a sense of a shared experience - war still so close that the words betrayal and family and friendship mean something different, something profound. That gives Sarajevo a feeling of being on the outside for a visitor. But it seems like an exclusive club that's not closed permanently. It's one that I plan to earn my way into.

Sarajevo's old town, known as Bascarsija, is host to the city's most beloved sights. For my first few visits, I simply wandered and pointed my camera at what caught my eye.

a visit to the abandoned bobsled track in sarajevo

Since being mugged in Ecuador, I find that I'm more wary of strangers and more cautious of where I explore - at home and when I travel, especially when I'm alone. I felt that still fresh and unexpected pang of apprehension walking to and on the abandoned 1984 Olympic bobsled and luge track. It's tucked up on Mount Trebevic, in the hills right above Sarajevo. Within a few minutes of walking, my nerves felt unfounded as I watched a couple hold the hands of their young daughter on the trail just in front of me. Though that hint of caution and fear mostly dissipated, the bobsled track itself left me feeling uneasy and acutely aware of where I was and the history on which I walked.

The winding, curving piece of architecture once united people in a common goal of bringing home medals for Bosnia, a multi-ethnic country with a common identity, even if a tenuous one. Less than a decade after those Winter Olympics, Serb shooters used the same site as a tactical vantage point - a sniper range - holding the people of Sarajevo hostage in their homes and basements for nearly four years during the Siege of Sarajevo. As a tourist, my mind was blown. I couldn't have imagined having the experience of walking up and down an Olympic bobsled track. The cement track - once sparkling in its icy glory - is now dressed in layers of graffiti that range from careless blobs of color to inspired statements. It's a photographer's playground, as well, and I found myself inspired by the stories and sentiments behind those messages on the track walls - even though I couldn't understand most of them. As a human, I felt uncomfortable being there, and I didn't expect that. It felt voyeuristic to tourist a site where sniper rifles aimed and fired at civilians in the city below. To appropriate a cultural symbol of pride and a common identity to propagate a war of nationalistic aggression seems beyond anything just - even when stretched to include warfare. It was an unnerving experience - and the track's history is complicated and unjust.

The abandoned bobsled track is mired in the tragedies of war - but also in the promise of peace and unity. I hope that better legacy is what lives on.

a summer in sarajevo

It has been so long since I posted that my domain expired, and I learned a lesson in owning your own domain: don't let it expire. It's cheap to purchase these things, but if you let them expire, it costs a small fortune to get them back.

I'm living and working in Sarajevo this summer, and it's already going by too fast. It's my first time living abroad since Japan - 5 years! - and I've learned from that experience to find gratitude in every moment because it will end so soon. It's some of the easiest gratitude I've known. My soul feels filled up. It's filled from living on a new street whose name I can't pronounce correctly yet - but I'm working on it. From a washing machine whose instructions are in a foreign language. From a local transportation system that I haven't figured out yet. From the first time I tell a taxi driver how to get to my house - and I actually get there. I'm at home discovering things unknown and a place unknown to me. 

This summer, I'll get to know Sarajevo. 

life right now

It's hard to believe that just two months ago I was enjoying this view and a great novel. (Or that it has already been two months ago?) These past two months have been a whirlwind. Zan and I finally found a tenant for his condo, and within the week, we also found a place of our own. I'm busying myself (in those rare moments I find a chance to do something other than homework) with decorating, a thing that is brand new to me but feels right and like it's time because I'm so happy that this apartment is our home.

Zan and I are heading to Georgia in mid-August to spend time with my family and pick up Sir Theodore from my mom. I can't wait to bring him home. I'm having increasingly elaborate daydreams of us being reunited - slow motion running towards each other and all.

The first season of the Rangel Fellowship is coming to a close, and I'm still wrapping my head around how fast this summer has gone. I'm more excited and ready for my career as a Foreign Service Officer than ever before. Having to wait two more years - and surviving grad school - to get there is a tough pill to swallow, but I'm finding all the reasons in the world to get excited about it. I love learning, and I know as soon as classes start, I'll be happier to be where I am than I can imagine right now.

And in two short (too, too short) weeks, I'll be on a flight heading to Vancouver. Callie and I are meeting there and heading to Victoria for our friends' Tiffany and Alex's wedding. We all taught together in Japan. I've been back from JET for five years, and I love these friends more fiercely than ever. Zan couldn't make this trip - and all the love in the world to him, but I can't wait to travel with Callie again. She and I have traveled to five (six?) countries together, and it's time to add another to the list. It's going to be so much fun and a needed mental break before school starts.

Is anyone else watching Orphan Black? I'm hooked. 

And that's about all my frazzled brain knows right now.

Happy Friday!

rediscovering great falls

We wanted to hike Billy Goat A at Great Falls - accessible only on the Maryland side, but we were so engaged in conversation that I didn't even notice when my phone's map sent us to the Virginia side.

Growing up in Georgia, I was relatively far from other state borders. We had to work to get to somewhere else. My mom would honk the horn when we would cross the border into Alabama or Florida, Tennessee or South Carolina. We'd holler our hoorays. I always felt this bubbling excitement of the unknown. Like crossing that state border would show me something so special I couldn't even imagine it yet. It always filled me with that mix of excitement laced with a tinge of fear of the unknown. To this day, it's the feeling I crave most.

It still isn't ordinary to me that I cross from DC into Maryland or Virginia with such ease and frequency. They're all right there, practically on top of each other. At Great Falls, you can literally wade from one state to another. You can accidentally end up in Virginia when you meant to go to Maryland. And if you want to fix your mistake? It's less than 20 minutes.

Maybe that's a reason why I feel so at home in DC - it's a place that isn't a state, it's neither here nor there, neither Virginia nor Maryland, Yankee nor Southern, but in so many ways, it's the epicenter of America - at least in my nerdy, political, international affairs world. It's a place where there's always something new to discover.

(I'm not sure where that tangent came from, but it felt good to write. Do you ever just feel good writing? It doesn't even matter what comes out, it just feels right to say it all.)

I love Great Falls, and this hike with Jess rejuvenated my soul. That sounds so crunchy, but damn if it isn't true. I haven't been hiking in far too long. Zan and I did some good walking in Costa Rica, but it wasn't the same. I need that nerves on edge, heart pounding, lick my lips and all I taste is sweat, kind of hiking. And I need a view that makes me want to sit and stare and think and be grateful for everything. In the past few years, I've overlooked Great Falls for mountains and bigger peaks and more expansive views. But sometimes the best view is what's in my own backyard that I've left untouched for too long. This was one of those days and one of those hikes.

I'd never seen the Great Falls themselves - in nearly four years of living in this beloved city. Isn't that crazy?

I'm so glad we went to the wrong state. It was the right hike. Standing up there on those rocks, looking over the cliff to the river below, I was excited with just a tinge of fear. The best way to be.

If you're interested, we started near the Falls and made a loop that combines the Patowmack Canal, Matildaville, and River Trails.