2 years

I fell into love like a lanky teenager grows into their limbs. That's a weird analogy, right? But it fits me just right.

I always expected real love to be like the movies - that's how I learned about it all, after all. And books, of course! I expected that if you found the right person, everything would just neatly and cleanly fall into place, and happiness really would be ever after. Love has never been like that for me, though. I've loved twice, maybe three times, and with both - or all three - of those men, it has been turbulent, rocky, kind of psychotic feeling in its intensity. I'm stubborn and independent, but I also want to be comforted, validated, and doted on. But as soon as the men I have loved do those things - and oh, those first two loves! They comforted, validated, doted to the max! As soon as they did those things I thought I needed, so desperately wanted, I kicked and punched and fought and pulled away. Then when I pushed them away, I ran back. I was emotionally all over the place.

I'll never forget the first time I had one of those moments with Zan. We'd been dating a short time - we were in that uncomfortable transition between dating and becoming a real thing - you remember that spot? It was somewhere around noon, and I hadn't eaten. He notoriously doesn't keep breakfast food in his house, and I am a person who needs every. single. meal. I have low blood sugar, and I am a beast if I don't eat. I was upset at him for not thinking of me and stocking his kitchen, but I was passive aggressive about it. Instead of telling him, I gave him the cold shoulder, mean looks, and eventually picked a full-on fight. We were driving somewhere, and I demanded he turn the car right back around because I was going home, dammit! He turned the car around without another word, parked on the street in front of his building, and I stormed out. Without a purpose or a mission because where was I going? And of course I wanted to go back.

He yelled after me, "I'm not coming after you. I won't do this."

And you know what? For the first time ever in a relationship, I walked back, swallowed my pride, apologized, and told him what was up with me.

Let me tell you, it took about a billion of those types of incidents for me to get it through my thick skull that walking away is not the answer. (And, okay, sometimes it is still my knee-jerk reaction. But hey, working on it!)

That was the moment, I think, when I knew this was for real, and I had found the kind of man that can handle me. Yep, not the "dream" man or the perfect man or the one, as so many people say. But a man that I respect to my very core, a man who knows not to indulge when I'm overreacting but absolutely indulges me when I need to cry something out, talk something out, sleep something off, or simply hug it out. A man who has my back. A man who is so right for me.

Relationships are so hard. My mom always said that as I grew up. That they're "hard work." Do you know... that sounded so dumb to me. Love is bliss! Love is fun and exciting and new feelings, and love is perfection, I thought. Surely, she didn't know what she was talking about. But like most things in life, mom is alright right.

Maybe we were both right. Love is bliss, and love is exhilarating and often sucks the very breath from my lungs, but relationships? Now they are hard work.

I have to work at becoming as emotionally independent as I am physically.

We have to work at communicating. No, seriously, we are the two most stubborn people on the face of the planet, and so we fight. We really do. Straight up yelling at each other kind of fights. It happens! Over the dumbest things, too, you don't even know. We're both so fiercely stubborn that we both have to really work on learning when to back down and let the small things go. That, I tell you, is some of the hardest work I've ever done.

I have to work at letting go of my preconceived notions about relationships. This relationship thing isn't what it looks like in romantic novels or '90s Julia Roberts and Sandra Bullock movies. Real life relationships are sometimes boring. Sometimes we find ourselves sitting on the couch on a Saturday afternoon, together, absolutely bored out of our minds. Okay, that's mostly me. He's pretty content doing nothing. Real life relationships don't end with Zan climbing a fire escape to bring me a dozen roses and profess his undying love for me, all the while facing his fear of heights, after a big fight. It's pretty okay with me if we both just say "I'm sorry" and talk about how to communicate better next time. But sometimes he also brings flowers, and that's pretty great, too. And he has faced his fear of heights for me more than a few times - remember the ledge hike in Ecuador? So maybe he really is my Prince Charming, after all.

I have to work at loving him. Oh! The just being enamored of him and fighting the smile that wants to play on my lips when he looks particularly cute in the middle of an argument -that is easy. But the part where I am intentional about making room in our shared lives for the things he wants to do (instead of just hike, hike, hike like I want to!), that is work. And being intentional about making him feel loved in the ways that make him feel the most loved, that takes thought and effort. That's the kind of work that is most special to me. It's my favorite.

So anyway. To get back to my original point - about love being like fitting into awkwardly lanky limbs - that's what this relationship has been like for me. It has been slow and steady. I started out unsure and always always always questioning. Always doubting. I never knew I had such a Doubting Thomas in me, but it's true. I do. Every time he got too close in the beginning and saw me a little more raw, a little more open and honest and imperfect, I pulled away. I was uncomfortable with real love and even more uncomfortable with a real relationship.

But two years in, today, I remember back to the night he left a March madness basketball game to come all the way to H Street NE to meet me for just a single drink in a bar that now no longer exists.

And as I think back to that night, when he said goodbye to me on the sidewalk with a simple hug, nervousness and questions and uncertainty written all over both of our faces, I think that I've grown into this thing. I fit perfectly into our relationship. We fit perfectly.

Happy two years, Zander.

celebrating with chocolate peanut butter cake

A year ago this weekend, a cab driver told Zander that he'd be crazy not to go paddle boating with me.

We went to dinner at Zest Bistro, a delightful, delicious, intimate restaurant in a neighborhood that we don't visit often enough. We polished off a bottle of wine over dinner, and I remember thinking, "I'm lost in conversation," and getting back into whatever topic was at hand. I wore a pair of skinny jeans with black flats and a v-neck black top. Lordy, it was much warmer on that night in March than the same one this year.

After dinner, we walked down the street, past the lively bars and closing cafes, and Zander asked if I'd like another glass of wine before heading home. We stopped into one place or another, and we continued where the dinner conversation left off.

The cab driver that night took me home first. On the way I mentioned a few friends and I were going to try the paddle boats at the National Mall. We wanted to see the cherry blossoms from the water's point of view. I invited him, but he hesitated. He was remodeling his bathroom, and well, he needed the day to work on it. I hopped out of the cab, and he walked me to my door. We said goodnight with a hug.

A little downtrodden, unsure what I thought or what he thought or what I felt or what he felt - the usual way of those painful post-first date moments, I reached in my purse to find my phone to text a friend how it had gone. How had it gone? Before I could finish typing the message, my phone vibrated with a text. "Our cabbie said I'd be crazy not to go paddle boating with you, and I would. What time do I meet you?"  

To celebrate our one year this weekend, we spent the night in Charlottesville, Virginia. I've wanted to go, well, pretty much all year. It's more suburban and developed than I anticipated, but that didn't mar the beautiful bed and breakfast that Zan surprised me with, or the picturesque scenery on our way out to go wine tasting on Sunday. It was a weekend that I wish I could bubble wrap for safekeeping and take out every time I need to remember that time in our lives of cherry blossoms and new beginnings and the start of a Spring romance.

As part of my anniversary gift to Zan, I made a chocolate peanut butter cake that he has been drooling over ever since our friend Sarah tweeted about it. I don't like peanut butter because I'm a crazy person, but I gotta tell you - making a cake when you aren't even tempted to eat it is the best. All the joy of batter tasting without the guilt at over-indulging on the finished product.

Without further ado, the extremely time-intensive chocolate peanut butter cake, from Smitten Kitchen.

ingredients for the cake
Makes an 8-inch triple-layer cake (did you just say "holy hell?" because that's what i said!)
2 cups all-purpose flour
2 1/2 cups sugar
3/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
2 teaspoons baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup canola oil
1 cup sour cream
1 1/2 cups water
2 tablespoons distilled white vinegar
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 eggs

steps 

1. preheat your oven to 350 degrees. Grease the bottoms and sides of three 8-inch-round cake pans. Line each with wax paper and grease the paper. 
2. whisk the dry ingredients - flour, sugar, cocoa power, baking soda, and salt in a large standing mixer bowl. 
3. whisk in the oil and sour cream. gradually mix in the water. blend in the vinegar and vanilla. next the eggs. make sure you're getting the bottom and sides of the bowl. 
4. divide among the three cake pans. it will be a light, runny batter! but delicious! 
5. bake 30-35 minutes (i baked 32 minutes, and it was perfect), until a toothpick comes out nearly clean. let the cakes cool in the pans for 20 minutes. 
6. invert the cakes onto wire racks, super carefully peeling off the wax paper (mine were still so soft that little bits came off). let them continue to cook. Deb suggested putting them in the freezer for 30 minutes to let them harden a little to make them easier to work with. yes. do this.)

ingredients for the peanut butter frosting
10 ounces cream cheese, at room temperature
1 stick unsalted butter, at room temperature
5 cups (!!!) confectioners' sugar
2/3 cup smooth peanut butter (use a commercial brand so the oil doesn't separate)

steps

1. in the same large bowl that you made the cake batter and since cleaned (yay one bowl!), beat the cream cheese and butter until light and fluffy. 
2. beat in the confectioners' sugar 1 cup at a time (make sure to get the sides and bottom, as it'll stick)
3. beat for another 3-4 minutes just to make sure
4. add the peanut butter and blend thoroughly 

assemble and frost the cake 
build and frost the cake like a sandwich. place one layer of the cake (a sturdy one), flat side up, on a large serving plate, cake stand, or if you have neither of those, a pizza pan (for the win!). frost the top. place the next layer (your worst layer) on top next. frost the top of that one. place the final layer (hopefully your best) on top. now frost the top of that one and the sides. make sure you reserve a little of your frosting. let the cake chill (fridge/freezer) for 15-30 minutes until the frosting has set. then frost over your frosting with the remaining frosting (how many times can i say 'frost' in one sentence?!) to give it a more cohesive look. put your cake back in the freezer to let it set some more while you make the....

ingredients for the chocolate-peanut butter sauce
8 ounces semisweet chocolate, roughly chopped
3 tablespoons smooth peanut butter (optional)
2 tablespoons light corn syrup
1/2 cup half-and-half (optional)

steps
use a double-broiler, or set a bowl over simmering water. melt the chocolate, mixing in the peanut butter and corn syrup. if you don't want it overpoweringly peanut buttery, you could leave it out of this sauce, but i put it in. whisk it real good until it's all smooth and saucy. remove from the heat and whisk in the half-and-half. i forgot about this part, and mine still tasted delicious but wasn't as drippy and runny down the sides of the cake. use this while still warm.

final step
remove the cake from the freezer/fridge, and drizzle the warm chocolate sauce on top. make sure your cake is on a baking sheet to catch any runaway sauce. spread it evenly over the top just to the edges, so it's pretty when it runs down the sides. set it back in the fridge for at least 30 minutes to let the glaze and frosting set completely. remove 1 hour before serving. (i served it while the glaze was still warm, then let it set.)

this cake is delicious, but if you add up all the setting and baking times, you need to allow for 3-4 hours to make it. in summary? baking this beast is real love, yo.

I still have half a cake at my apartment. Who wants to come over for wine and dessert?