fear of running

I'm scared to run. I'm scared to keep running. I'm scared to keep putting my feet one in front of the other until I reach my goal. I'm terrified that I'll never run more than a couple of miles at once, fearful I will never wear a race bib because I won't be able to finish. I'm scared that I'll be embarrassed that I made so public a goal - to myself and to all of you - that I'd run a half marathon this year. I'm scared I'm going to fail.

So I stop running. 

I put on my running shoes most days of the week, and I go out, and I hit the pavement or the trail, and I hit it hard. I run hills, and it's really hard, and my lungs are probably going to collapse, and I'm certain I'll be found dying on the roadside, but most days I still lace my running shoes, and I hit the road. I run 2 miles. I run 3 miles. But never more. I stop.

Once, I ran 3.5 miles. Back in January going into February, I hit the day on my training plan that asked me to run 4. I laced up my shoes, and tightened my ponytail, and within half a mile, I was so exhausted, for no reason that made physical sense to me. I felt paralyzed. So I walked the rest of a mile and called it a day. I didn't run again for a month.

I'm back up to 3 miles now - I got there in a few weeks, and it's not so hard for me, except for the hills - those will never be easy; I don't want them to be easy. I want to feel the pain, feel the burn, and feel the rush when I reach the top and hit my stride on the way down. I feel that way - excited by the challenge of hills, so why can't I feel that way about distance?

I'm scared 3 miles is my wall, my limit, my pinnacle, and that I will never get beyond it. In my mind, 3 miles is a lot, it's crazy - I ran three miles! I didn't grow up around very active, athletic people. I didn't have a friend who was a distance runner until I was, what? 24, I think. She ran a half marathon, and I cheered her on, and it was inspirational, and she was incredible. At the time, I ran a mile a day to try to get fit. I thought that was impressive!

Since I've moved to D.C., I'm surrounded by distance runners, triathletes, Ironman finishers. Every one of them amazes me. I think every distance runner is superhuman, because it's a superhuman feat to put your feet one in front of the other at the pace they do for 6 miles. 10 miles. 13.1 miles. 26.2 miles.

I want to meet my goal of running a half marathon this year. I know that I'm physically capable of it. But I'm scared to fail, scared that I'm wrong, that I don't have it in me, that my body can't physically handle it, that I'll pass out on the course, not make it to the finish line, finish past the allotted time.

I'm scared to run.

Where are you on your 2013 goals?